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Connect with your inner parts, offer them compassion, and discover what they need to heal from betrayal.

Science

Psychology

Health & Happiness

Wisdom

English

Betrayal is a trauma to our inner worlds, and extreme responses (rage, denial, shame, etc.) are common.  Help calm extreme reactions using the 3 steps of Move Toward(TM) (notice, know, need), which is based on the cutting-edge IFS model.  Find your calm, clear-minded, courageous, centered self even in the middle of the trauma of betrayal.

Healing Betrayal Trauma

 Welcome to Move Toward with Jenna. In this meditation we're going to move toward and get to know a part of you that gets activated when you are experiencing betrayal trauma. This might be a part of you that gets triggered toward denial or maybe eating or perhaps over cleaning or controlling, raging, playing detective, whatever behavior that you are aware of that you would like to get to know a little better and perhaps bring some relief to. We will call the target part of you and we're going to get to know it through the three simple steps of Move Toward. Notice, Know, and Need. So to begin let me invite you to gently draw your awareness to the last time that you can remember this target part of you, this behavior that you'd like to get to know, being activated. And to take the first step we simply want to notice where does this part of you show up? How are you aware of it when it's activated? You may notice certain sensations that occur in your body or perhaps thoughts that go through your head or maybe an emotion. Whatever you're aware of, if it feels okay to do so, allow your attention to just gently be with it without any effort to change or shift it in any way. Just breathing compassion and a sense of curiosity toward this part of you as you gently allow your awareness to be with it. If you notice that there are other parts of you that have negative feelings towards this target part, that don't like it, that are afraid of it or ashamed of it, that's perfectly normal. And those other parts of you have really valid feelings and opinions as well. So thanking them if they've shown up to let you know of their concern and just let them know that we're going to spend just a couple of minutes getting to know this target part so that we can perhaps help it to feel a little less activated. And asking the concerned parts if they would be willing to pull their concern back for just a moment for the next few minutes so that you can be with the target part openheartedly with genuine curiosity, which is the only way that you'll be able to really help it. And so if the concerned parts are willing to pull their concern back, you'll notice your heart becomes much more open and spacious toward this original target part. And if that's the case, and you're able to feel some curiosity or compassion towards it, then just let the target part know of your compassion, your curiosity. See how it does with that. And if that seems okay, then you're ready to move to step two, which is know. Ask this part of you what it wants you to know about why it gets activated. And don't try to figure it out. Just see if anything comes to mind. What do you want me to know about why you get activated? And you can ask this part of you, when it first started, to try to help you in this way by doing this thing that it does. And just see if any memories or images come to mind. If a memory came to mind of a younger time in your life, just let this part of you know that you get that it's had to do this job since that period in your life. And you can ask this part of you what it's afraid might happen if it didn't take you over and make you do this thing. And you may get a sense that it's afraid that something very bad would happen, that you would be duped or betrayed again, or that you might be vulnerable or flooded with a negative emotion that you couldn't handle. And if you got a sense of something like that, just let it know that you appreciate how hard it's working to try to help you avoid that negative possibility. You can ask this part of you how old it thinks you are. And if a number came to mind that's different than your actual age, gently update it as to how old you truly are. And it might be quite surprised by that information and that's okay. But just let it know that you are here to take care of it. It is no longer responsible for taking care of you because you are the age that you are. And this part of you might feel very surprised by that and that's okay. Let it know that it can take as long as it needs to get used to that new information. You can ask this part if there's anything else that it wants you to know about how it feels about this job. Or if there's anything else that would rather do if it didn't have to do this job. And you may get a sense that this part of you is quite fatigued. It's been working really hard for a long time and maybe it's not getting the outcome that it wants. You might get a sense that it would much rather do something very different for you. That's typically the case. If so, let it know that you can actually take steps to heal whatever it's protecting so that it could be freed up to do that wonderful other thing. If you'd like to do that you can always check out the list of IFS therapists on my website jennerymersma.com. And so if that feels complete for now, then you're ready to take the third step which is need. Ask this part of you if there's anything it needs from you right now to feel just a little more comfortable, a little less activated. And again don't try to figure it out just see if anything comes to mind. You may notice that this part just would like to be welcomed in your inner experience and not shunned. Or it might just like an imaginal hug from you. Or to be carried or to take a nap or have a comfortable chair to sit in and a warm blanket. If something of that nature came to mind, go ahead and in your imaginal experience just allow that to happen and see how this part of you feels now. Or if something came to mind in your external world, maybe this part of you needs you to set a real boundary and follow through. Or maybe it needs you to ask for help when you don't know what to do. Or continue therapy or reach out for a safe friend or use your voice. If there's something in your external world that this part needed from you and it feels like something you could take a step toward, then let it know that and set that intention. And notice how this part of you feels with you taking care of your needs rather than it having to. It's probably a great relief. And so whenever that feels complete for now, just extending gratitude to this part of you for interacting with you today, giving you this information. Or if it didn't really communicate with you today, that's okay as well. This may be the first time you've tried to get to know it in this way and it probably has a good reason to not want to trust people too quickly. And if that's the case, thank it for its good discernment and let it know that you can come back and continue to develop a relationship and trust with it until it does feel ready to communicate with you. Whatever your experience was today is exactly right for you. So when you feel ready with much gratitude, beginning to shift your awareness from your inner experience back out into the room around you, when you feel ready reopening your eyes, I always encourage people to spend a few minutes journaling what came up for you in this meditation. It can get a little bit fuzzy about 30 minutes to an hour after we do inner experience work because we're using a different part of our brain and that's normal. So journaling can be a very helpful way to record what's happened and begin to really build a trusting relationship with this hard-working and amazing part of you. Thank you for joining me for Move Toward with Jenna to get to know this part of you that has experienced betrayal trauma.